Chemical Analysis of Women
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified.
Occurrence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities found in all urban areas.
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but can be attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C (in the crystalline form.) May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents (such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions.) An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 28 years. A short time after this, specimens begin to deteriorate, sometimes rapidly.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared.) May be trained to cook food, although great care must be exercised. Tests: Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen. Turns blue if proper reaction conditions are not met. Often shows signs of illogical behavior patterns.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. Some of this species have been known to cause confused thinking and varying levels of insanity.
Note: It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, however, a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
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Wifespeak Translations
Wifespeak English
*You want <=> We need <=> I want
* It's your decision <=> The correct decision should be obvious by now * Do what you want <=> You'll pay for this later * We need to talk <=> I need to complain * Sure... go ahead <=> I don't want you to. * I'm hungry <=> (a) Make me something to eat. (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important. * I'm not upset <=> Of course I'm upset,you moron. * You're ... so manly <=> You need a shave and you sweat a lot. * You're certainly <=> Is sex all you ever think about? attentive tonight. * I'm not emotional! <=> I'm on my period. And I'm not overreacting! * Be romantic, turn <=> I have flabby thighs. out the lights. * This kitchen is so <=> I want a new house. inconvenient * The car is empty <=> Go fill it up * The trash is full <=> Take it out * The dog is barking <=> Go outside in your underware and see what is wrong * I want new curtains <=> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... * I need wedding shoes <=> the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white * Hang the picture there<=> NO, I mean hang it there! * I heard a noise <=> I noticed you were almost asleep. * Do you love me? <=> I'm going to ask for something expensive. * How much do you love <=> I did something today you're really not going to me? like. ------------------------------------ /* in answer to "What's wrong?" */ --Nothing. <=> Everything. --Everything. <=> My PMS is acting up. --Nothing, really. <=> It's just that you're such an asshole. --I don't want to <=> Go away, I'm still building up steam. talk about it. -------------------------------------- I'll be ready in <=> Kick off your shoes and find a good game a minute. on T.V. Is my butt fat? <=> Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn <=> Just agree with me. to communicate. Are you listening <=> [Too late, you're dead.] to me!? __________________________________________________________
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified.
Occurrence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities found in all urban areas.
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but can be attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C (in the crystalline form.) May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents (such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions.) An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 28 years. A short time after this, specimens begin to deteriorate, sometimes rapidly.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared.) May be trained to cook food, although great care must be exercised. Tests: Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen. Turns blue if proper reaction conditions are not met. Often shows signs of illogical behavior patterns.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. Some of this species have been known to cause confused thinking and varying levels of insanity.
Note: It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, however, a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Wifespeak Translations
Wifespeak English
*You want <=> We need <=> I want
* It's your decision <=> The correct decision should be obvious by now * Do what you want <=> You'll pay for this later * We need to talk <=> I need to complain * Sure... go ahead <=> I don't want you to. * I'm hungry <=> (a) Make me something to eat. (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important. * I'm not upset <=> Of course I'm upset,you moron. * You're ... so manly <=> You need a shave and you sweat a lot. * You're certainly <=> Is sex all you ever think about? attentive tonight. * I'm not emotional! <=> I'm on my period. And I'm not overreacting! * Be romantic, turn <=> I have flabby thighs. out the lights. * This kitchen is so <=> I want a new house. inconvenient * The car is empty <=> Go fill it up * The trash is full <=> Take it out * The dog is barking <=> Go outside in your underware and see what is wrong * I want new curtains <=> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... * I need wedding shoes <=> the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white * Hang the picture there<=> NO, I mean hang it there! * I heard a noise <=> I noticed you were almost asleep. * Do you love me? <=> I'm going to ask for something expensive. * How much do you love <=> I did something today you're really not going to me? like. ------------------------------------ /* in answer to "What's wrong?" */ --Nothing. <=> Everything. --Everything. <=> My PMS is acting up. --Nothing, really. <=> It's just that you're such an asshole. --I don't want to <=> Go away, I'm still building up steam. talk about it. -------------------------------------- I'll be ready in <=> Kick off your shoes and find a good game a minute. on T.V. Is my butt fat? <=> Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn <=> Just agree with me. to communicate. Are you listening <=> [Too late, you're dead.] to me!? __________________________________________________________
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